Sometimes they don't need us to remove the problem. They need us to make sure they don't experience it alone.
There's a reflex many of us have when someone we care about comes to us with a problem.
We fix it.
Your employee is struggling with a project? Here's what you should do. Your friend is having a problem at work? Have you tried this? Your kid calls from college because something went wrong? Give us a minute. We'll have a four-step plan, two phone numbers, and probably a strongly worded email ready to go.
We mean well. In fact, our instinct to solve the problem usually comes from a very good place. We care about this person, they're hurting, and we want the hurting to stop.
But sometimes helping isn't about making the problem go away.
Sometimes it's about making sure they don't have to go through it alone.
🏟 Ted Doesn't Fix Alice
This came up during our recent Lead it Like Lasso podcast conversation about Alice Chilton.
Alice describes her mother as someone who was “more comfortable with solutions rather than just support.”
Oof.
That one stuck with us, probably because we recognize ourselves in it.
What's interesting is the contrast with Ted. When Alice is struggling, Ted doesn't swoop in with a solution. He doesn't give her a checklist. He doesn't try to talk her out of what she's feeling or convince her that everything is going to be fine.
He stays with Alice.
That's it.
And yet, that's not nothing.
🔧 The Fix-It Reflex
Solutions are comfortable.
If someone gives us a problem and we can solve it, we know what our role is. There's an action to take and, hopefully, a finish line. Problem solved. Helpful person badge earned.
Support is messier because sometimes there isn't anything to do.
It requires listening without mentally preparing our response. Sitting in an uncomfortable silence. Asking another question instead of offering an answer. Allowing someone to be disappointed, frustrated, scared, or sad without immediately trying to move them somewhere else.
For people who are accustomed to being useful, that can feel remarkably unhelpful.
But maybe we've been defining useful too narrowly.
👪 Parents, This Might Be Even Harder for Us
If you're a parent, fixing things is practically in the job description when your kids are young.
Shoelace came untied? Fix it. Toy broke? Fix it. Can't reach the cereal? Fix it. Mysterious Lego-related crisis? We're on it.
Then they get older, and the problems change.
A friendship falls apart. They don't make the team. They bomb an exam. They don't get the internship. Their first boss is difficult. Their heart gets broken.
Our instincts haven't changed, so we start looking for the grown-up version of tying the shoelace.
Except sometimes there isn't one.
And even when there is, jumping immediately to the solution can accidentally communicate something we never intended:
I don't think you can handle this.
There are moments when the most helpful thing we can do is resist taking over and simply say, in one form or another:
I'm here. Keep going.
🐕 Managers Aren't Exempt
The same thing happens at work.
Someone brings us a problem and, particularly if we've been doing the job longer than they have, we can probably see a solution. So we give it to them.
Efficient? Absolutely.
But if we're always the person providing the answers, eventually we've trained everyone to bring us problems instead of developing their own ability to work through them.
There are times when a leader needs to solve the problem. There are also times when leadership looks more like asking, “What do you think you should do?” Or, “Do you want my advice, or do you just need me to listen?”
That's not withholding help.
It may be a better form of it.
👂 Support Is Doing Something
Maybe that's the mindset shift.
Listening is doing something.
Being present is doing something.
Letting someone work through a difficult moment without taking it away from them is doing something.
Ted's gift isn't that he always has the answer. Quite often, he doesn't. His gift is that people rarely have to wonder whether they're facing something alone.
There's a reason that kind of leader creates trust.
And there's probably a reason that kind of parent does too.
🏁 Final Thought
We tend to measure our helpfulness by what we can fix.
Maybe that's the wrong measurement.
There will be problems we can't solve, disappointments we can't prevent, and difficult moments we can't make disappear. That's true for the people we lead, the friends we love, and, perhaps hardest of all, our kids.
We don't always need the perfect advice.
We don't always need a plan.
We don't always need to make it better.
Sometimes the best thing we can offer another person is much simpler:
You don't have to go through this alone.
Ted didn't fix Alice.
He stayed.
Sometimes that's the help.
— Nick & Marnie
Your tea sipping, solution resisting, still right here friends
More leadership musings
🍪 Biscuits with the Boss:
The next time someone brings you a problem, try asking one question before offering your solution:
“Do you want me to help you solve this, or do you just need me to be here with you?”
Then comes the hard part.
Believe their answer.
Especially if it's the second one.
🌎 This week in Here - There - Every F’ing where
Marnie took Roy Kent to heart this week and started Tuesday morning doing mock interviews at Easton High School and ended the evening at WL Gore (the cool people behind Gore-Tex). Lots of conversations around helping folks and companies figure out what is important to them and steps to make it happen!
Believe!
Nick & Marnie
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